I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
