Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
