i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize