Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
