I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
