She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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