she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
