I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
if only i could text you this smell
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
