i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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