I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
