I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
