I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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