when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
