hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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