some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
