So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Michael Bay diarrhea
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
