you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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