I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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