But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
