I think I won the penis lottery.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
