she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
