I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
