I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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