I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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