Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
