Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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