Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
