Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
babies were throwing up all over the place
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
