When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
