right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
