I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I'm really busy with my period
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