People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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