Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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