Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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