Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
