so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
my god I love twenty year old dicks
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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