I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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