every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
