please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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