just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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