im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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