Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
