I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
