I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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