Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
