On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
