he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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