My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
