You're so nebulous sometimes
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
