Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
