dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
