She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
