On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
