Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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