I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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