I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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