and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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