Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
