im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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