I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Less talking, more tequila
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
